Week 2788

Happiness Set Point Theory

Personal wellbeing is a bit of a passion of mine, so I've done a fair bit of reading around the subject and disappeared down a few rabbit holes in my time. I agree with a lot of it, and I'm sure the scientific community will be so relieved to hear that. Phew ! Mike agrees with us ! I was so worried he wasn't going to....

But, occasionally, something comes along that I disagree with. Happiness set point theory is one of them. Set point theory puts forward the proposition that your subjective wellbeing is made up of two bits:

1. A fixed bit, based on genetics, upbringing etc, that you have no influence over;
2. A variable bit that you can influence.

In short, there is a bit you are stuck with and a bit you can change. When I read this it just didn't compute. I can sort of get on board with the genetics bit, but the upbringing bit I couldn't agree with. So at some deep unconscious level I set out to test the theory. Test the theory sounds so much better than prove me right or prove them wrong doesn't it ?

In defence of the theory, I can see why it says what it says. Beliefs, values and behaviours formed in early life can be a lot harder to shift than stuff learnt when we are older. So the effort needed to change stuff that was locked in when we were kids can be so great that most of us may never do it. Therefore, it makes sense that the research would suggest that a chunk of subjective wellbeing is fixed.

But, one of the greatest gifts us humans have is neuroplasticity - the ability to rewire our brains, if we have the capability to do it and put the work in. The brain wired behavioural stuff that makes up part of the fixed bit is something that we did by forming the habits we formed. So, if we change those habits, we can undo that wiring and create new neural connections, which is really, really cool. That's why I believe that if you are able to put sufficient effort in, you can affect both the variable bit and some, maybe most, possibly all, of the fixed bit.

I was born and bred a mood hoover, so I had to put a fair bit of effort into changing my thinking and rewiring my brain to become someone who makes the most out of life. The journey was lumpy, but fun, and it was all going well until week 2788 of my life, when the wheels came off a bit. It was the ultimate test for me so far, and, I'm glad to say, proved me right 😉

4000 Weeks

If I'm doing an Art of Brilliance keynote or workshop, I can almost guarantee that 4000 weeks gets mentioned. It's the average amount of time we have on the planet. Some people have more, some have a lot less and women tend to have a couple of hundred weeks more than men. At the time of writing this post I have just entered week 3215, so I've done a fair few of my allocation already 👀, but I'll never forget week 2788 and I cannot tell you how much I have appreciated week 2789 and every week since then..

It was Saturday 30th December 2017. I'd had a lovely Christmas despite a cold, but had been feeling rough since boxing day - rough enough not to be eating, going out, playing guitar, nothing. Vanessa was up in her sewing room and I was in the kitchen when I started struggling for breath. I had to text her to come down because I couldn't shout and get her to phone an ambulance. I was in a right state. Anyway, the ambulance was going to be hours so my son, Chris, came over and drove us to A&E. I was assessed quickly and was lucky enough to get a bed on a ward in under 12 hours. My sniffle had managed to become double pneumonia and if I hadn't gone to A&E I'd have ended my 4000 weeks early !

Looking back on it, I'm still surprised at how quickly things changed. at 15.00 I was feeling ok, still not eating, but had picked up the guitar for the first time that week and sang a couple of songs without struggling. Three hours later I was gasping for breath and the weakest I've ever been. It wasn't the worst moment of my life, but it currently rates second. It was also a great way to test my thinking around wellbeing.

A joyous discovery

As I mentioned earlier, I've done a fair bit of reading in the positive psychology space, including crisis communication theory. So, I was aware that when an individual is under extreme stressors all of the conscious behavioural stuff that you do gets binned and you start running on whatever you've got hard coded. So, based on happiness set point theory, my behaviours and thinking should have defaulted back to being a bit of a mood hoover. It's what I was expecting and maybe even dreading. It was bad enough I was feeling so rubbish and helpless. Throwing in the mood hoover version of me was just going to make it worse.

But that's not what happened. The mood hoover me didn't take over, even though I was literally stripped back to nothing but my core operating system. Here's a snippet of the things going through my head:

Wow, how lucky am I to have all these fantastic people looking after me ?
What's for breakfast ? Rice Crispies and cold milk ? Fabulous !
Why is everybody else moaning about every little thing ? Can't they see how hard the staff are working and all they do is snipe ! And the visitors are worse, loudly criticising in a passive aggressive manner....
Sponge pudding and custard for afters today. Brilliant !

I was a bit surprised to begin with, but soon realised that the hard work had paid off and I'd managed to move the attitude of realistic optimism from conscious competence to unconscious competence, maybe even mastery. It wasn't a programme I had to load any more, it was hard coded. I'd changed my happiness set point beyond what theory suggested was possible. To be fair it was a pretty sh1tty way of proving it, but when you're lying there, weak as a kitten, a win is a win.

Now the rest of the patients on the ward and their visitors weren't bad people. They were doing the best they could in the circumstances they were in with the thinking that they had. They had, as the science would suggest, reverted to type. The airs and graces had gone, they were in survival mode and moaning was their default. They were doing exactly what was expected of them.

Exactly the same thing had happened to me, but my joyous discovery was my default setting had changed. The moodhoover me is still there, (and is still a valued part of me) but isn't the default any more. Mood hoover me had been replaced by realistically optimistic me. Gratitude and thankfulness were hard coded and the difference it made to my experience and recovery was massive. From the three days I spent in hospital to the three weeks it took for me to get the energy to go out for a walk, it was all so much easier with a positive attitude. Easier on me, easier on my family and easier on all the NHS workers who looked after me.

The difference that made the difference

One of the things I seem to be good at is identifying 'the difference that makes the difference', whether it be asking myself what I can do in this moment to add value to a situation, or reflecting on what was the pivotal thing that changed the direction of something. So, while I was recovering, I did a lot of reflection on how different my experience was and what got me there.

The answer I came up with was pretty obvious if you've been reading my blog or have experienced the Art of Brilliance and pretty bland:

I made gratitude my default attitude.

It was as simple as that. Summer 2013 I'd met Dr. Andy Cope and started practising gratitude the next day. When I woke up, I'd list at least three things I was grateful for before I got up. When I went to bed I'd do the same before going to sleep.

I did it consistently.
Like clockwork.
For a year.
And it became a habit.

So, for me, it was a year of consciously building the gratitude habit, followed by another three and a half years of unconsciously practising the habit. It was reinforced by:

• reading around the subject;
• using the little practical tips we share like the four minute rule and losada line;
• sharing what I was doing with others on a day to day basis.

It wasn't hard to do, but it did take effort and consistency. It formed the foundation for the new default and the great thing about it is you start to see benefits pretty quickly, which motivates you to keep on going.

Making the most out of life

This weeks post, like all the others, isn't about me or what happened to me. It's a true story used to illustrate some learning that made my life better, in the hope that you can see how you can apply it to make your life better, hopefully without going through the bad bits.

The biggest learning I had from this experience is about the true value you will get from making best self your default. It will change EVERYTHING in your life. Every moment will have more colour, more sound, more warmth, more feeling, more spice, more zing, more life in it. The really good times will be great. The really sh1tty times will actually be ok. Best of all the stuff that may seem to be ok now, will be brilliant. A brilliant life isn't about having fabulous things happening all the time, it's about making the most of each moment and appreciating how beautiful and precious life can be..... if you let it.

So if you're on the journey, that is brilliant news. Keep up the good work. If you're thinking about it, I would recommend you to stop thinking and start doing. If you're thinking you're too old and set in your ways, take yourself outside for a walk and give yourself a talking to. It is never too late to start and make the best of the rest of your life.

And, if you're thinking 'I've arrived, I can relax', just be careful. This bonkers world of ours is hell bent on making you miserable and is getting better at it on a daily basis. It's honing its talents with the aim of wearing you down. So make sure your daily practises continue to hone your attitude of gratitude so you can stay in control of your wellbeing and happiness.

Mike xx