The Potholes We Carry - Part 1

The joy of horses

We're lucky that we live close to our son, daughter-in-law and grand childen. It means we get to see them regularly and get to help out with the school run and the horses on Mondays and Tuesdays. Yes the grandkids have horses, which are lovely and at the same time a great way to suck money out of your bank account. The stables are out of town and there are four routes I can drive to get us there. All of them involve country roads and all of them have potholes, so I take the best route I can. It's not the shortest, nor is it the easiest, but it has the most passing spaces with least potholes ratio that keeps the reversing and the car damage minimised. But last week a part of that route was closed....

We didn't know until we got to the turning, so we had to wing it. If I just continued for a couple of miles there was another left turn that took us a longer way around but got us there. Vanessa switched the satnav on on her phone and we continued.

The first metaphorical pothole was I turned a bit early (due to satnav instructions) and ended up on a single lane track that went to a farm. Not a big issue and I reframed it as a great opportunity to practise reversing 300 yards. I was actually really pleased with my performance as I'm not a great reverser. We got back on track and 30 yards on we turned left.....

Now I've driven on some sh1t roads in my time, but this one exceeded all expectations of rubbishness. There were more potholes than road and each one held sufficient rainwater to disguise its depth. So I did the sensible thing, went at a snails pace (I suspect a few snails may have overtaken me I was going that slow) and aimed for the least scary potholes.

The strategy paid off. We got onto the main road without any damage to car or dignity and off we went. You will guess that we didn't go back that way and I know now not to use that road again.

Navigating life in 2026

That incident reminded me of my great friend and fellow Art of Brilliance trainer, Paul Field. He does a whole keynote/workshop using driving a car as a metaphor for navigating life and potholes features in it.

Comparing the blips we have in life to potholes and how we navigate them has always been a great way of explaining how life can knock you off course sometimes, but with the level of madness in the world today it is super relevant. How we deal with the potholes in the roads might even give us some wisdom as to how to deal with life's potholes 🤔 So I thought about how I've altered my driving to reduce the likelihood of car damage due to potholes:

1. I leave a lot more room between me and the car in front (also known as the correct amount of room according to the highway code), so if a pothole becomes visible I have more time to respond to it.
2. I pay a lot more attention to cars around me and the general road condition. If the cars in front are moving erratically, get ready. How hard can I brake if I need to? How wide can I swerve if needs be?
3. On the roads I drive often, I know where the bad stretches are and I'm prepared. On roads that are new to me I take extra care.
4. The thing that makes the biggest difference isn't a thing as such. It's my attitude with regards to raod quality. I accept that the UK roads are a bit sh1t at the moment and so getting stressed about potholes won't help me or anyone else. In fact it makes everything a lot worse, so what is the point in doing that?
5. If there is a bad stretch (as in the story above) and I can just avoid it, I will.

Looking at the list, I think most, maybe all, of those mitigations can be applied to life's potholes and it will make them less impactful. Maybe some of them won't have any impact at all ?

Life Potholes

Just in case you're reading this and not sure what a life pothole is, here is a generic example:

You've got everything planned for a brilliant day and something out of your control happens that you don't handle that well. It derails the day and maybe your week.
The actual thing was relatively minor (like a pothole) but it really throws you. It's probably happened before, but it's just your luck that it happened again.

It might be something that you hadn't prepared for, so it throws you completely. It might be something that always throws you and you just can't handle that sort of thing.....yet. A life pothole can be anything that knocks you off course and metaphorically makes you swerve or brake, or even, sometimes, makes you crash.

Life potholes are like road potholes. However prepared we are new ones will surprise us and, if we don't make an effort to avoid them, they will keep catching us out. The big difference with a life pothole is that our thinking plays a much bigger part in how impactful the pothole is. I'd even say that some life potholes only exist in our heads, waiting patiently to be triggered by circumstances and screw up our day; week; year; life.

The bad news about life potholes is that they will keep coming. Some will appear out of nowhere, some will give you some advanced warning and a lot won't be in your control. The good news is that how you respond to the potholes is, for most people, in their control, so you can lessen the impact or avoid them completely. Where the pothole is in your thinking, you may be able to fill it in, so that it never catches you out again.

Please note that if you are in a place where your mental health maybe won't allow you to change the way you think about and respond to life's potholes, some of the things I'm going to suggest may not work for you at the moment. But keep on reading as some of the stuff might be doable and will make a difference.

The pothole reduction process

The pothole reduction process that has been successful for me is like all the solutions you'll find in Out Beyond Ideas. It's simple to understand and implement, but takes a bit of commitment and effort. It's a targeted solution, where the process is the same but the actions you need to take may vary by pothole. it's not just fill them in and tarmac over them!

But before we get into it I'm going to circle back to something that you need to do first:

Make gratitude your default attitude

If you haven't done this yet, it will save you a load of time and effort and if you're new to the blog and you're not sure what I mean by that, check out Week 2788. Approaching life with an attitude of realistic optimism sorts all the low level stuff that feels like potholes and makes it harder for new life potholes to form. It will save you time and effort in the long run, I promise you.

Step 1 - Notice when it happens

As you'd expect, the first thing you need to do is become aware of when you hit a life pothole. A simple test is:

Whenever your emotional response is disproportionate to the event, it's likely to be a pothole.

Noticing starts to move them from being unconscious reactions to conscious reactions. You will start to see how often they happen. You'll start to understand how they throw you off and you'll see how your response impacts on you and those around you.

Remember, you're armed with a key bit of knowledge:

It isn't the event generating that emotion, it's your thinking about the event that generates the emotion

And you should be able to change that thinking, which will change the emotion, response and outcome.

For some low level potholes, step 1 is enough. Once you become aware of the pothole you just change the way you respond. Just like accepting that our roads are a bit sh1t at the moment instead of stressing every time you start the car. some can be that easy to sort.

Step 2 - Reflect on it

Others need a bit more time and effort. The reflection process I use is pretty standard. I'd suggest starting with it and evolving it as you need to. It's a bit more detailed than step 1 and I tend to do it after the fact, when I can find some quiet time. It goes something like this:

What happened ? - You need to have a clear understanding of the trigger pothole. The more you understand it the easier it will be to identify in the future.

What did I think about it ? - Understanding your thinking around the pothole is a really important bit, so take your time. It might not feel like you did any thinking, so it might take a few similar potholes before you understand what's happening. (Spoiler: a thought will have gone through your head and this part of the proces is about becoming aware of it).

How did it make me feel ? - It's worth unpacking the emotion as you will start to unravel the disconnect between the event and the emotion generated.

What was my response and how did it affect the outcome ? - (You can do these separately or together). Understanding the control your thinking/emotion exerted on you and how it impacted on the outcome helps you prioritise sorting it out. If the impact was minor, maybe there are better potholes to focus on?

How could I have responded differently and, if I had, how would the outcome have changed ? - (You can do these separately or together). Having a view of how you would be able to respond if you sorted this pothole gives you more motivation to resolve it.

So what can I change so I respond better next time? - The final bit gives you options to respond when the pothole comes along again. Do you avoid it? Can you take it slower? Do you just suck it up?

Step 2 will sort your next level of life potholes, but it will take effort and time. If noticing and reflection sorts it, happy days. But it's more likely that the change will be gradual. You'll start by noticing them quicker, but still reacting. But you know it's something you're working on and you can let it go quickly. Each time after that it gets easier. You'll pre-empt it better, the thinking will change, the emotion will lessen and the outcome will improve. then, one day, you'll notice that it no longer happens. Another life pothole filled in.

What about the deep rooted stuff?

As you would expect, the deeper the stuff we carry is rooted, the harder it is to shift. I've found a way that works for me, but it relies on you having a fabulous relationship with yourself. More accurately, the better the relationship you have with your unconscious mind, the easier it is to sort the hard stuff.

But it's not worth going there just yet until you've sorted the simpler bits out. So we'll cover that in part 2.

In the mean time, I wish you a safe drive and may the potholes in your roads and your life be shallow ones that don't do any damage and just make the journey a bit more interesting.

Mike xx